And now I am all alone
In this blog we published, from 2020 till 2024, Klara’s entries in her diary exactly 80 years after she had written them. Now you find the first and the last one below, and the complete diary is available as a book: frauenzimmer-verlag.de, ISBN 978-3-937013-79-4, € 15,90
10 December 1940
And now I am all alone. For today they have taken Walter away as well. In spite of the fact that over and over again they reassured him, „You are the Second Reserve. You will not be needed“. But after six months war and a second medical Walter became First Reserve, that was supposed to be a long way away from call up as well. Nevertheless I feared the day would come. The boys answered my unspoken fears. „No mother, it will be ages before we are called up“, said Röbi. „I would be the first and only yesterday I reported to the Wehrmacht and they told me I still would have time, you can start your new semester, we do not need you now. So relax mother, until we will get called up, the war is over and Walter will not be called up ever.“
And so they both continued with their studies, Walter at the University and Röbi at the Academy of Art. Walter began to study law in Cologne, for Bonn got shut down after the war started. Röbi was Professor Junghans‘ youngest and brightest pupil and everyone who has seen his work considers him to have a great future. If only the war, this unhappy war were over. Darling, when should this be happening? God alone knows the answer and he has given man a free will. Soon the holidays came, August came again and already we had had a year of war.
It was almost a year since you and I had said goodbye to one another, so bitter and hard for me to bear and how often have I asked myself the question: When will I see my beloved daughter again, if ever? Sometimes things seem so bitter and black that one sometimes imagines it can never get better, that these two peoples may never again love and respect one another. But what then? What would happen to us, will I ever see Lotte, my beloved child, again. At the moment of our parting all love of life left me and in the months that followed only Röbi’s sense of humour and Walter’s undiminished optimism and spirit and my sense of duty kept me going.
Nevertheless in spite of their best efforts I could not be happy. Duties filled up most of my time and gradually the small and large restrictions to our lives increased and now one can only get things with coupons, even clothing coupons. There are no shoes and my sons usually have only one pair of shoes thanks to the meanness of the „old man“ who never considered these things important and even before these crazy times started I always had a terrible battle to get things for you and the boys.
There are substitutes for everything, even toilet soap. It is dreadful stuff and it has to be used for washing clothes as well. There is no coffee and little butter. There is too little to live on, but too much to die. Fat and meat are becoming scarcer. And so on, and so on. We had not stored potatoes as we had been assured that there were plenty, then came a severe frost and all the potatoes that had not gone rotten went to the military.
What could one do? Very little really and potatoes are so important to be able to feel full. So I had to think about how I could get some. There was nothing in the city. Not for nothing had I spent years walking in the countryside and I had made friends there. They had to help me and so I often went from door to door to beg them to sell me what they could spare. Sometimes I failed. Sometimes I succeeded. Usually I paid with money but sometimes I had to trade.
And so I searched through my things and took the farmers gifts and then I got eggs, potatoes, fruit and sometimes poultry. One week after another I walked into the Bergische Land to lonely farms getting what I could and slowly the winter passed. I often got enough to give to others who were suffering. Mostly I helped the Reinemanns. Bully often went with me and we carried the potatoes in our rucksacks. Bully, her mother and I have formed a close friendship and during the week I often went to visit them. We opened our hearts to one another and shared our sorrows and so we were able to comfort one another.
In spring there were more eggs and so I bought all I could. I preserved any left over. I never did believe what they always said, „The war will soon be over. After our stunning victories the Tommies will soon give in.“ No, I have never believed that and sadly I was right. Suddenly it was different and they said, „The war is going to last longer after all“. And so it was and then it was summer. I went into the woods and found comfort in the solitude. I usually went alone. Röbi went once in a while. His enchantment with the woodland soon evaporated! Walter was keener and came with me sometimes, but then I was alone again.
Then it was harvest time and I picked blueberries and bottled them for the winter. How often as I walked through our deep, glorious German woodland and thought and thought more about how wonderful it would all be if people wanted it. But we do not want it and it will never be perfect as long as man exists. I was able to help my friends with my blueberries and soon it was autumn. One day followed another and no news from you. In the evenings we waited for our friends from the other side of the Channel, and so it went on. During the holidays Walter worked in a holiday job and Röbi was mostly at home studying. He painted some lovely pictures of me and I was happy to have both boys with me.
Biba has been gone for ages but calls to see us when he is on leave. He is a dear boy. Karl Floeck has been in the thick of it since the war began. He was already a soldier before the war began. Herr Forschbach has been a soldier for some time. All my friends from the walking group have been called up, have suffered a lot and all want the same thing. That is that it will all be over soon.
Liesel got a position with the army and then Bully had to leave too. Our evenings and afternoons spent together with her mother when we shared joy and sorrow, did our embroidery, exchanged news and discussions about the evil times all passed, but not the war. Autumn was passing and it was time to prepare for winter and we did everything in our power to get ready for it.
Then came what I had feared most. Röbi was called up. He got orders to be ready on October the fifth. That was almost unbearable for me. I would have borne anything else and I asked myself over and over again, „Why? Why must this be?“ I thought back to my own dear mother who asked the same questions and said to me, „You will never have the pain I have suffered because after the Great War, they said Never ever war!“ And we all believed it.
And now? I cannot bear to think about it. If I had ever thought that this sorrow would come to mankind again I would never have allowed you to go to England and even though you have met your dear husband there I would have done my best to prevent it. It is too hard to bear this uncertainty, to think of my beloved child over there with exactly the same worries as we have here. Not to know if we will ever see one another again. Dearest Lotte, it is terrible.
Now back to Röbi. Before he went he had had several commissions and had earned himself quite a lot of money and could have earned more. Life never works out as I would choose it and Röbi was torn from his work. He had to go. We bought him everything he needed from his money. Vests, socks, briefcase and a very nice watch. Then came his departure.
It was very very hard. Walter took him. I could not accept it and it was a long time before I did. Röbi went into a cavalry division and it was not long before he had an accident. During a drill he fell and damaged his knee cap and had to go to hospital. After he was better he had to return to duty and soon he had another accident. He fell off his horse and was dragged with his foot in the stirrup. The conclusion was that he went to hospital again where he remained for some time with both legs in plaster having dislocated both knee caps!
He cannot go on active service anymore and I hoped they would let him come home. I soon had that idea knocked on the head. Röbi was hardly released from hospital when he was declared unfit for active service but capable for garrison duties. That was it.
Then came another blow, Walter’s call up papers. In spite of everything, like many mothers who had clung on to their sons I had no choice. And so on the tenth of December Walter had to go as well. Dearest child what can I say. It was very hard and I had to accept that as well. I often think of the days with you in England when I said that if war came it would be worst of all for mothers. You thought differently. „No. It will be harder for me.“
Well darling, I can only say with absolute certainty now that it must be terribly difficult for you living in a foreign country, to worry about your loved ones at home, not to be able to say anything, to hear nothing from home. But, Lotte, my beloved child, when one’s children are taken one after another to different corners of the earth knowing and yet not knowing what is happening and always wondering, will I ever see them again. I think this is much much harder to bear especially when there is no end in sight. Nevertheless I try with all my strength to cling to the hope that there will soon be an end and that we shall all be reunited.
My darling it is hard for everyone. Now that I am alone I have taken up English lessons once more. I have two English teachers. Two young people, one an Englishman about your age. I tell him my troubles and he tells me his. He was dying to get home to his parents, praying that it will soon be over so he can come back. The other teacher is an American engineer, studies here and lives in South Africa. He is the youngest son and has heard nothing from his beloved parents for over a year. You see, everyone has troubles and everyone hopes this terrible time will soon be over.
So now darling I have brought you up to date, painting with a broad brush to give you a picture of our lives. One cannot put all the detail on paper and I do not want to. I only want you to be clear when you read this letter of how we have lived and how we have thought of you daily, often hourly, and how often we fear for you. It could be that we may never see you again and this person or that may bring these words to you one day.
And so on the tenth of December 1940 I have begun to write all this down on the day Walter was taken away, in the hope that one day we can relate it all to one another together. If not, darling, it will not have been my choice but God’s will which we have no choice but to obey.
15 November 1944
Today I received a letter from Frau Reinemann. I will put it with this diary and hopefully when we are together you can see it, otherwise I hope somehow the manuscripts will reach you one day. It was very disturbing and I tried to get to Cologne as soon as I could, but I had to wait however until the following day. From Kalk I had to go on foot as everything has been destroyed and with great difficulty I got to Braunsfeld.
I knocked on the door and when they heard my voice the door was happily opened to me. Frau Reinemann fell weeping around my neck, followed by Elfriede the faithful soul. Then they told me their sorry tale. Bully and Herr Reinemann had been arrested by the Gestapo.
On Sunday morning they were still sleeping. Herr Reinemann had gone to Odenthal for a few days to have a rest from his endless back pain. Elfriede had gone to Zülpich where her mother who had lost everything in Sülz had managed to get accommodation. So the two, mother and daughter were alone and in bed when there was a knock on the door.
„Who is it?“
„The Gestapo. Open the door.“
They open the door.
„Is your husband here?“
„No.“
„Have you got weapons?“
„No.“
„Where is your husband?“
„In Odenthal. But why are you here? „
„To arrest you and your husband. Get dressed.“
Bully leaped out of bed.
„Arrest me but not my mother.“
The door opened and another official came in and whilst the door was open they could see that their friends in the house opposite had been arrested and were being taken away. There had been French people who, in the most terrible time had stayed at the house opposite and slept there. Later the owner of the house had out of sympathy taken in another person whom she believed to be a compatriot of these people, but who in fact was an informer for the Gestapo and she betrayed them.
They were arrested and taken away as well as another family on the street and Bully who was taken in her mother’s place. They have been gone now for four weeks for questioning. Herr Reinemann was arrested on the Tuesday after he returned home from Odenthal. He was accused of having given the Frenchman a revolver. He could not deny it because it was true but not for the reasons they were implying.
Night after night robbers and looters came to do their dirty work and no one was safe. As Herr Reinemann was suffering from his back pain, he gave the gun to the youngest Frenchman so he could take care of the street. That was all. And for that they are now sitting in prison. Frau Reinemann said, „My husband will not live through this. We have lived through all this terrible time and now we get this disgrace.“ I comforted her as much as I could but what use are words?
Bully had not done anything and yet she must have done something. Perhaps it was because she was engaged to an Englishman. They had wanted to arrest the mother but that was Bully’s greatest terror. So Bully had to have done something, and therefore she had listened to the foreign radio, otherwise they would have arrested her mother. Anyway they have been under arrest for nearly five weeks now and still there is no decision.
In the morning they get two pieces of dry bread, the same in the evening and at midday they get a watery soup. They have to work during the day and at night they freeze and have no protection from the air raids. That is what is happening, and it is getting worse. God knows what will happen. Frau Reinemann with Elfriede’s help has got a good lawyer. It is only with the greatest good fortune that they managed to find someone to take on the case and who has the courage to fight the Gestapo. The poor poor people.
Note by Clare Westmacott: This was the last entry in the second book (the book was full) and she did not write anymore after this, probably she didn’t have paper. Cologne was not liberated until March 1945. Walter kept his head down until the Allies arrived. In the following decades Lotte visited her mother every year.